Wednesday, December 15, 2004

ZUG: Comedy Articles: How to Write a Trashy Romance Novel: Part The Last

How to Write a Trashy Romance Novel: Part The Last"


The Decked in Holly Priestess

12/03/2004 10:34 pm []


How to Write a Trashy Romance Novel: Part The Last
by Lady Scarlett Covington and Curtis, Duke of Malone

Welcome once more to the The Covington-Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling! In Part One and Part Two we covered everything from how to choose a sexy front cover for your novel, to how to make sure it’s filled with enough rampant sluttery to live up to that cover. In this, the third and final installment, we’ll deal with plot twists, sequels, and cliffhanger endings; everything you need to make sure your sad horny readers are hooked and keep “coming” back for more.

Step 7: Backstabbing and Other Plot Twists
(or dunn dunn dunn…)

Of course after the main characters have had their first hot, steamy, explosive, sweat drenched, passionate, nerve-wracking, multiple hour, multiple orgasm, fulfilling, sating, out-of-focus romping session, they cannot help but want more*. But obstacles always must stand in the way, or the novel would only be 6 pages long. And that brings us to step 7: Backstabbing and Other Plot Twists (dunn dunn dunn…).

The woman must always be unsure if the man really loves her, or if it is just lust (or being “driven by the priapic madness that consumes his every waking hour”, in trade jargon). She must also have at least one other suitor that she doesn’t truly love, but that the man perceives as a threat. Dueling or exile to Australia may or may not ensue.

Her home life and origins should also provide some sort of unexpected obstacle for the two lovers to overcome. The revelation of an ailing grandparent, a beloved but tyrannical father, a wastrel brother, a slatternly mother, or even an evil identical twin** can all provide fertile ground for twists and turns. Why, the “flashback to a deathbed promise” alone can fill an entire chapter if you start to run dry!

The man of course, must have internal demons of his own. Perhaps he was beaten as a child, or bears terrible scars that nonetheless do not detract from his rugged handsomeness, or was abandoned in the woods as an infant to be raised by feral goats. He could have an insane ex-wife he keeps locked in an attic***, or a terrible tragedy that torments his dreams, or a lost love that haunts him still. Possibly literally. It also never hurts if the heroine bears an eerie resemblance to a woman from the heroes’ tortured past. In a good romance novel, you just can’t go wrong with the classics.

You might be wondering where Backstabbing comes in to all of this. Very simple; the antagonist(s) in the story, who would tear the lovers apart, somehow always know their weakness or their scandalous background. Whether they be family members or former lovers who have already been carefully introduced, or shadowy figures of mystery that you just throw in because the action is starting to lag, they always threaten one of the lovers with ruin if their evil demands are not met. Blackmail, of monetary, social and matrimonial sorts, inevitably follows until the final climactic confrontation where the villain is vanquished by the pure hearts and courage of the hero and heroine combined.

Remember, in a romance novel plot any twist is possible, but they can always be overcome by the power of true sex.

Love! We mean love!

Step 8: Sequels and Series

So you’ve written a complete trashy romance novel, and the general public has received it with wild enthusiasm. The critics hate it of course, but what do they know, most of them liked “Amelie” better than the similar but superior “Alien vs Predator”. What’s your next step? Get started on a fresh, exciting new idea for your next book?

What are you, stupid?

Sequels and series are where the big money is, so you always have to keep one eye on them when you write your endings. A happy ending is fine – as long as it isn’t too happy. The hero and heroine, romped into exhaustion, set sail on a merchant clipper for home – but wait, what’s that black sail on the horizon? At last the estate is saved from the brink of ruin – but now, who is in the mysterious black coach approaching the gate? The heroine has at last delivered of a healthy son to her proud husband – but lo, who is the mysterious man in black who lurks beneath the windowsill, looking in through the rain streaked glass? ****

Three words: “milk it, girlfriend.”

With care and careful management, the same characters, settings, story and dialogue can serve you in good stead for decades to come. Hell, Barbara Cartland, Anne Rice and Danielle Steele have all been writing the same book for the last 30 years and no-ones called them on it yet. And whom do you think they learned that from?

Uh huh.

Step 9: The Cliffhanger Ending

And so at last loyal reader, we come to the final step of The Covington-Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling. The most important step, truth be told, because as any writer knows “Beginnings are hard, but endings are murder!” You’ve poured your heart and soul into the torrid masterpiece that is your very own romance novel, so the last thing you want is a weak gimmicky ending. You need a big finish. And that’s why we spell out, in one easy to follow sentence, how to end your novel with the kind of killer climax that your main characters experienced as far back as Chapter 7*****.

First, you have to imagine the





LOOK OUT! HE’S GOT A GUN! AND MY BABY!!




Lady “High Priestess” Covington and Duke “DemoMonkey” Malone’s next book, “Passions Manacles”, will be in finer convenience stores, bus stations and airports in the spring of 2005. It has a very shiny cover.





Footnotes

* I mean if any person in their right mind had sex like the above why wouldn’t they want more? My god, I want more and I’m just a footnote!
** SPRING-ER, SPRING-ER, SPRING-ER!
*** Who doesn’t, really.
**** Black is always bad in romance novels. It’s just an aesthetic thing; no violation of civil liberties is intended. Please no more lawsuits.
***** Also Chapter 8, Chapter 10, Chapters 11 through 13, twice in Chapter 14, and we’re pretty sure they tossed one off in the dedications page when no-one was looking.






How to Write a Trashy Romance Novel: Part The Last
by Lady Scarlett Covington and Curtis, Duke of Malone

Welcome once more to the The Covington-Malone 9 Step Guide To Romance Novelling! In Part One and Part Two we covered everything from how to choose a sexy front cover for your novel, to how to make sure it�s filled with enough rampant sluttery to live up to that cover. In this, the third and final installment, we�ll deal with plot twists, sequels, and cliffhanger endings; everything you need to make sure your sad horny readers are hooked and keep �coming� back for more.

Step 7: Backstabbing and Other Plot Twists
(or dunn dunn dunn�)

Of course after the main characters have had their first hot, steamy, explosive, sweat drenched, passionate, nerve-wracking, multiple hour, multiple orgasm, fulfilling, sating, out-of-focus romping session, they cannot help but want more*. But obstacles always must stand in the way, or the novel would only be 6 pages long. And that brings us to step 7: Backstabbing and Other Plot Twists (dunn dunn dunn�).

The woman must always be unsure if the man really loves her, or if it is just lust (or being �driven by the priapic madness that consumes his every waking hour�, in trade jargon). She must also have at least one other suitor that she doesn�t truly love, but that the man perceives as a threat. Dueling or exile to Australia may or may not ensue.

Her home life and origins should also provide some sort of unexpected obstacle for the two lovers to overcome"

1 comment:

Shawn said...

ROFLMAO

Don't you just love the way professionals know how to reduce a novel to its most elemental level?

Shawn